Invisible

Is it wrong to want to feel like you are loved ? To feel like the person you are with is in love with you? I see what other people have and I long for it. I once had it myself but somewhere along the way it got lost or forgotten or replaced by something else. I'm not even talking about sex..allthough I enjoy it but I need some kind of affection. A kiss hello and good bye, good morning or good night is not cutting it. Touch me ! Put your arm around me...give me a hug for no reason without me asking for it. Night after night I sit alone on the couch watching tv wishing for someone to cuddle with knowing it's just not going to happen. I'm not just a mother, I'm a woman...or at least that's what I was, I feel like a nothing now. There is no worse feeling than that of being with someone and still feeling alone. It' s not like I can even go out and find someone who will show me more love. I could, but I'm not that kind of person, a cheater, a liar.... sometimes I wish I could be. It's pretty bad when a guy at work that I don't even really know winks at me and I get all excited, or someone asks me how my day was or says I look nice and it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. When was the last time someone told me I was beautiful? oh yeah...today from my 2 year old daughter. I love her to death, but it's not the same. I tried to tell you, you don't care, you don't want to hear it... you tell me I'm being stupid and each time it knocks me down, breaks my heart more and leaves me feeling more empty. This is not what I wanted. I was a dreamer all my life.. I would write romantic poems, and stories and scenes. Long for the day when someone would ask me to marry them on one knee with ring in hand .. long for a lifetime of romantic kisses and unconditional love, yes even the white dress and fancy wedding were all in my dreams. What happened? I've given up everything I ever wanted and dreamed of. Why ? because I think that I am not good enough, because I think that I better take what I have because no one else will ever want me... It's not even that I want someone new, I am in love but can not even express it because he doesn't want it. He doesn't want my cuddles, my hugs, my kisses, my words of love... because he will have to return them. He says he loves me but night after night I lay in bed untouched and alone even when he's laying next to me...day after day I crave some kind of affection that I'm not getting. I see him put effort into his computer and his games, always trying to win battles and better his character and his stuff and he does nothing to try to better our relationship or me. Yet I choose to live this life...choose to fade away more and more of myself..until I become invisible.